Tuesday, December 14, 2004

My Conversation With Dan Rather

by snugglepuppy
The following is a transcript of an enlightening conversation I recently had with Mr. Dan Rather of CBS News, prior to the recent Presidential election. It was informative to see how a real journalist confirms his sources. How very sad it is that Mr. Rather shall soon withdraw his expertise from the limelight of network news.
snugglepuppy: Good evening Mr. Rather; I'm so glad you could accept my invitation. I'm quite certain that you will find the information I have to reveal quite worthwhile. Would you care for a biscuit? They are specially prepared using an old family recipe. My valet has them shipped from Paris weekly.
Dan Rather: Thank you snugglepuppy, I'd love a biscuit. May I call you Kenneth?
snugglepuppy: Of course.
Dan Rather: Now Kenneth, I understand that you have some exceedingly revelatory documents that...mmm, excellent biscuit...that support your amazing claims about the Bush family.
snugglepuppy: Yes, Dan. You did know that the Bush men have been Illuminati for more than six hundred years?
Dan Rather: I have heard whispers, nothing to substantiate the claim. May I have another biscuit, Kenneth?
snugglepuppy: Certainly, Dan. Water?
Dan Rather: Please.
snugglepuppy: Use my personal bowl, the housekeeper never touches it, and the aromas are divine.
Dan Rather: mmm...slup...snrrk
snugglepuppy: Where were we? Ah yes, the Bush Illuminati legacy...so much will become clear to you once you have examined the documents. Did you ever wonder why the Bushes hate the Kennedys so much?
Dan Rather: I assumed that their political differences accounted for the rancor. Are you telling me there's more to it than that, Kenneth?
snugglepuppy: Yes, Dan, you see, the Kennedys are devout Papists. Illuminati are the sworn enemies of religion, most especially the Catholic Church. For this reason, the Bushes have always had a special grudge with the Kennedy clan.
Dan Rather: Perhaps you could show me your supporting documentation.
snugglepuppy: This should whet your appetite. The originals, of course, are in a safe place. Here, take a look at this copy.
[sounds of paper rustling, Dan Rather is heard to gasp]
Dan Rather: According to this Theodoric Bushe began supplementing his diet with Irish babies in 1475! Dear God!
snugglepuppy: Yes, it is quite disturbing. Note the heavy use of spices and Frankish sauces. Here, look at this, [reading from document] '...prior to disentrailing the bairn, be well shur that the skin has been most thoroughly bathed...'
Dan Rather: Astonishing! How can I be sure that the original is authentic?
snugglepuppy: My brother has vouched for it, and, in any case, you can clearly see the date, October 5th 1475, right here under the part that says 'untitled notepad document'.
Dan Rather: You're right, Kenneth. This will tear the campaign apart! I smell Pulitzer!
snugglepuppy: There's more, Dan. According to my sources, the baby-eating continues until the present day. The president's grandfather ate the Lindbergh baby, and the Georges, pere et fils, have regular baby banquets. Fox News knows all about this, but they've been suppressing the story.
Dan Rather: Those disloyal bastards. Kenneth, what is the frequency with which the Bush cannibals gorge on baby meat?
snugglepuppy: Weekly Dan. Do you mind if I sniff your butt?
Dan Rather: Right back at you, Kenneth.
[snuffling sounds]
parody (duh)

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